A Little Bit of Honesty
Updated: Mar 15, 2019
I want to be honest in my writing; I don't want to build a wall of false, filtered 'perfection' between me and my reader (if there is anyone other than my mum who will read this - love you Mum). So, in the name of honesty, I will tell you that last week started pretty horrendously; crying on the sofa of the very nice wellbeing lady's very uncomfortable sofa. I had been studying in the library cafe as I like to sit by the large window so I can procrastinate from my work, watching people's lives unfolding for the five second snippets as they walk past. My empty coffee cup was slightly hidden behind the menu when I was asked to leave by one of the cafe staff. The staff member could not have been kinder, her eyes were apologetic and she called me 'love' as she delivered the news that the cafe was for customers only. I should have just explained that I was a customer, and that my coffee cup was just hidden from sight (while holding up the cup as proof). Simple, right? Wrong. I was so flustered by the unexpected interaction that I, cherry faced and downward looking, apologised profusely, threw my bits into my bag as quickly as I could and basically ran out of the library all together. I felt nauseous, I genuinely felt as though the entire population of Plymouth were watching me as I flailed about the campus, disorientated and squirming, uncomfortable in any place I tried to take refuge.
As mentioned in my previous post, Mental Health and Seaside Air, I've been feeling a little out-of-sorts recently... I have begun to notice a familiar pattern over the past few years; the deep months of Winter, just before the new beginning of Spring, it feels as though there are more bad days than good. After speaking to various friends and family, I know that I am not alone in this feeling. Monday's 'library cafe episode' was the last straw for me, I wanted to face what was happening before it faced me. Which is how I ended up sat on the unexpectedly hard sofa, in the very kind wellbeing lady's office, having a good ol' cry and blurting out a lot feelings in a very short amount of time. The Student Wellbeing Services have a drop in service which operates from 11:30 till 12:30 every Monday at the Wellbeing Centre, I highly recommend going if you are a student at Plymouth University and if, like me, you are struggling at all or just need a chat.
I've recently started re-evaluating my plans for post-uni life (commonly known as The Great Abyss), and the worry of not knowing has been playing on my mind for a little while now - I know for definite I am not alone in this one. After my drop-in session and a long Facetime with my lovely mum, I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic - don't get me wrong I still (as the title of this post suggests) have absolutely NO CLUE what I'm doing, or what I will be doing, but with the advice from my mum, I'm going to try and maintain a positive outlook on this whole 'not knowing' thing.
Tips For Getting By When You Haven't Got a Clue:
Remind yourself every day of what you've done/achieved that you're proud, you can do this through notes which you leave about your house/flat, or by just saying it to yourself every now and then.
If you don't know what you want to do after Uni, consider everything as a possible choice (even look at places or roles you didn't know existed), and ask yourself if it's something you would want, not if they/it would want you.
Let yourself have bad days because they will come, but remember it is just one day, and know you will wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective.
Appreciate the people around you, both physically and emotionally, they're a reflection of who you are and they're pretty incredible people who will always listen to your rants, worries, stories and everything in-between.
Finally, the biggest one for me, don't feel guilt; you are allowed to be confused/worried/happy/anxious/determined/proud, it's all part of the human condition.
I know this post doesn't really correlate with my theme of 'Budget Adventure' and I promise the proceeding post will be all about adventure, but as I said earlier, I want to be honest. University isn't all about lovely day trips and adventures, it is also bloody hard work. This is just a gentle reminder that you don't have to have it together all of the time, everyone has felt a little bit lost at some point; we've just got to stay positive and trust that we'll find our way eventually.